meeting after a long pause....

When I booked my seat for the Varanasi gathering-2012 at krishnaurthi 

tDifferent with same core

When I booked my seat for the Varanasi gathering-2012 at KFI ( Krishnamurthi foundation), Rajghat I was quite unsure of myself. A friend of mine told me it would be too crowded. So I hesitated a bit. But Shaktiji told me it would be interesting to meet so many people, all different from each other but similar at core." He said. Although it is crowded during gathering, it is interesting too, as so many people who admire Krishnamurti get together.I feel you will like it. People with different mind-sets, conditioned differently. It is like visiting an island whose inhabitants we infer as different, but later come to know that they are all almost same as the dwellers of any island. Crowd, yes.”

Lucknow to KFI Varanasi

    Hence I decided to go to the gathering with an open mind. But whenever the thought of gathering came to my mind, I used to feel apprehensive about my meeting with Shaktiji. I waived off all my thoughts as I was afraid inside. After that message he never inquired whether I was coming for the gathering or not and neither did I inform him about my plans. After attending my two days medical conference at Lucknow and left for Varanasi on 4th evening. When I was sitting on the station I received a message from him (Shaktiji) in which he told me to inform the coordinator of the gathering- Mrs Krishna ( Krishna di) about my plans. My train was about to come so I just informed him that I was at station and would reach next morning. It was already 11.30 pm and I assumed he would be asleep by then ( which he was, as he told me later).

At KFI meeting Shaktiji

Next morning when I landed on Varanasi junction, I received a message from Shaktiji, which sort-of warned me that my meeting with him would not be seen in good light,  but I was sure that I least cared for other’s opinions. When I reached foundation, I was lucky to meet Krishna di, the coordinator at the gate itself. She guided me through the formalities and told me to hurry for the breakfast as I was already late.
      I was sitting in the dining-hall, trying to imbibe things around me, when I heard Shaktiji’s voice. He was sitting with his back towards me. The intensity of the moment was so much that I could not think anything else. I cried ‘baba’ ( uncle ), hurried and hugged him from behind. He seemed to be surprised and happy. With few formal questions, we did the breakfast together. But I couldn’t understand myself as I was not able to look at him directly. I couldn’t understand what he felt, but I had my breakfast with my gaze, most of the time at the plate itself.

The first day of KFI gathering 2013:

  Shaktiji left to meet later, as he had some things to attend. I went back to the hostel, got ready and joined the group at the tea-break. I wanted to be as least intrusive as possible to Shaktiji. I was very unsure of him. We hadn’t talked for almost three years though we parted two years back. There were many "fill in the blanks" in my mind, which I were filled with my own assumptions. I really really wanted to talk to him. We again met after the group discussion. He introduced me to few people saying, "this is Dr Rimpy Shukla. She took care of me in Chennai when I was sick”. I didn’t quite like the introduction, as I never wanted people to see me in old context. Hence I insisted that he introduce me only as ’Rimpy- the friend”, which he did and I was relieved.

Try something different 

The very mention of Chennai made me remember the times when I was really harsh with Shaktiji. I couldn’t understand him at that time.He was a mystery to me then and I was probably looking for answers now. He told me he had a duty in study-center from 4.30 to 7.00 pm in the evening and I wanted to go for boat ride that day. Last time when I had visited Varanasi, Shaktiji had taken me for a boat ride, and we had watched the arti at dashashavmegh ghat from the boat. Though I had been very disturbed at that time , but the experience had been very deep for me. We both knew we would not be able to go together, because of his duty, so I decided to go alone. But he was worried and insisted that I should not go alone. Anyhow we bumped into a family of a doctor couple and their son who had the same plan - of a boat-ride, but in a motor boat. Shaktiji was relaxed at his replacement. He suggested I should try something different from previous trip and the motor boat trip was ‘different’.

Different was not so different      

But this whole concept of a motor-boat was weird for me. It spoiled the whole idea of a quiet evening. I thought I would later on make some excuse and get away and hence kept quiet at that time. But later when I saw the same family at evening tea, aunty very sweetly inquired if I was coming along. I couldn’t say no to her and ultimately went for the ‘different’ and special  “motor-boat ride”. I chatted a lot with aunty throughout the brief trip. Though we returned back faster but the whole episode turned out to be just opposite to what I had imagined and wanted it to be. I decided to reserve my ‘desired ride’ for the next time.

  

Plan to hear what Shaktiji had to say

In the evening I went to see Shaktiji at the study center. He was about to close the study. So we went together for the dinner. I could sense he was tired after the long day. Hence we decided to go for the walk the next morning. He said he would tell me many things, which I was eager to listen. I asked him where he was staying and he said that he usually stayed at Shipra’s place but sometimes in the foundation. But whenever he was in foundation he visited Shipra in the mornings. He said he would inform Shipra for the next morning. At that time a doubt sprang in me as what if he changes his plan tomorrow. But I believed him at that time.

Morning to Shipra's place

The next morning I set the alarm for 5.30 am. But I was so anxious, I got up at 5.00 am itself, got fresh and left my hostel at the decided time for morning tea. Half-way I got a message from Shaktiji “good morning Rimps. Let us go to Shipra’s home this morning. We can go for a walk tomorrow. Right? Take your time .I am waiting at your hostel.” I turned back from where I was. My intuition was right. But deep down I knew I understood Shaktiji. He was too polite to hurt the girl by informing her on phone about his leave. He wanted to inform her in person. Hence I decided to go with the flow. I knew I was a guest for two days. I wanted things to take their own course And I am glad things happened the way, they did.

Never wanted to meet Shipra

I had never met Shipra before  and there was a time when I never wanted to. But things had changed now and so had me. Before coming to Varanasi ,I thought if I visited Shipra I would take some gifts for her two little angels. I knew she had two little daughters. But because of my conference in Lucknow all my plans changed and moreover I was also not sure of things. Hence that morning when baba (Shaktiji) unexpectedly changed the plan, I decided to visit her some time again later before leaving Varanasi.

Meeting with Shipra

 On our way Shaktiji told me only one thing about Shipra, "her intellect is an obedient servant of her emotions” and I reflected inside  "isn’t it so for most of us”. When we reached Shipra’s home, her mother-in-law opened the door and her elder daughter Sejal was standing besides. When we entered the house I could see Shaktiji’s familiarity with the place. We waited in a room and finally Shipra came. I would not call that meeting exciting as I perceived her response as very cold. I was not sure whether she knew I was coming.  It was a strange moment for me. I doubt if she felt the same. She came and sat on my side. I remembered in past, once someone had mentioned her as ‘pretty’ and I found her so. We had some very formal conversations. I inquired about her health and she asked about my profession. She told me as how arrogant and insensitive her gynecologist had been, to which I only smiled. But Shaktiji jumped in to take the side of that “absent target”. Everything was OK when I heard Shaktiji pampering her as "how is mera baccha (my child)?” and I could observe pangs of jealousy within myself. I was just observing everything. She had to go to the doctor at 11.30 am and Shaktiji offered to go along. She said she could manage but Shaktiji insisted he would come along. He even offered to come the next day, if the doctor surgically treated her wound. During all these conversations I was just deciding within to go alone for the campus walk the next day. I had started feeling very low. I was feeling I wouldn’t get time to talk to him. I was sort-of relieved when we decided to leave. I went inside to see her four months daughter who is a real angel. That was the time when I even connected with Shipra as a mother. I realized whatever we do or become in life our basic emotions and instincts bind us all together. Our parting went on a rather happy note.

Felt low 

I still remember my state while coming back. I don’t know what occupied Shaktiji ,but I realized I was adding some new chapters to my life. When I reached hostel I received a call from Ashu (my husband). I told him that I went to Shipra’s place with Shaktiji. He asked me how it was. I replied” Ashu I felt as if Shreesh (my son) has brought a girl in front of me and is telling me,- mom I love this girl and I want to marry her”. Just implies perhaps the change of priorities. Ashu laughed on my answer.

Second day of KFI gathering 2013:

The second day sessions started with a lecture by Shri Samdhong Rinpoche , on karma and reincarnation. It was followed by a tea-break and a group discussion.

After lunch, there was a break for 45 minutes before the video-lecture of  J. Krishnamurthi. I took my bag and went to the river –view place. I lied down on the bench for a long time and read a book of J K which was incidentally presented to me by Shaktiji on 7^th Jan 2009 i.e. on my birthday. Deep down I am always thankful to Shaktiji for introducing me to Krishnamurthi's teachings. He is a great teacher in the sense that he waits till the student gets ready to learn. My solitude with nature was broken by a gentleman who was a retired principle. He told me I resembled his daughter very much. We had an interesting chat after which we went for the video-lecture.

I was aware Shaktiji had replaced someone for his duty at video-lecture as he had to go to the doctor with Shipra. But when the lecture ended I saw him sitting at front. He must have returned earlier. I wanted to go to him but I stopped myself. I deliberately left the place without talking to him. I thought why should I bother so much. The last day we had talked about 'human vulnerability' and I know its really hard to practice it in our daily lives. I wanted to go for the K-trail walk

 in the evening. But I got caught in talks with few people. Moreover it was getting dark and I was afraid to go alone. Finally I bought some books and went back to the room. We had a classical dance performance scheduled in the evening. While coming back from the hostel, I knew Shaktiji would be in study center. I decided to keep my ego aside and ask about Shipra’s health. I thought maybe if things were same as in morning, I would go back to attend the dance program or else go for a walk. And if get lucky, may be spend some time with him.

When I reached study center he was busy with some work. He asked me politely to wait for just two minutes. But I didn’t want to wait. So I went for a small walk. There is a huge tree in front of study center with a platform around it. I remembered what Shaktiji had told me at that same place few years back, on my last trip. He had told me about the pauses between thoughts which keep on increasing in duration when focused upon. I have understood Krishnamurthi’s teachings many times when Shaktiji has thrown light on them. so I sat under that tree trying to understand what he had told me once. When I returned back, he was finished with his work that was when I asked how was Shipra. He told me the doctor had given her only medicines i,e no surgical intervention. I confirmed whether he had to go there the next day too and he told me he would come for the walk with me the next day. I was relieved and happy inside.

That day we finished our dinner early . I suggested he would go and rest as the day had been hectic for him. He agreed and left. I had a small chat with an elderly gentleman and left for hostel soon after.

The third day:

The next morning turned out to be rather different. I got up at 3.45 am due to my sour throat. But again took a brief snap and finally left the hostel at 5.45 for the morning tea. My cold and cough could not deter me from the much anticipated ‘morning walk’. Finally we went for the walk on the k-trail towards river Varuna, where we passed through dense trees and bushes at many places. River Varuna flowed along at that side. It was really beautiful, though the trail was dangerous at many places with many steep stairs on the way. The otherwise silent river was very turbulent at one of the bends and made lot of noise when Shaktiji said”see the river cannot be blamed at this point. It is silent elsewhere and it is completely different here”. I just smiled and understood him.

We met many people on our walk many of whom had already become familiar by that time. We never talked much on our walk. I was just happy to be with Shaktiji . I never wanted to disturb the joy of those moments and past was really insignificant. But I would not be honest if I don’t say that curiosity was cropping in my head every now and than.

Finally when we started to go back towards our hostel, Shaktiji started unfolding the past from the beginning, probably where we had left it. I was listening intensely and time flew by. We went to the river-view spot and sat there. For some moments I felt the pain and misery that Shaktiji had gone through.  I realized many of my illusions about myself were also broken. I was eager to know the events of his life after he left Chennai and he told me everything in detail. Finally I understood the missing links of Shipra in baba’s life and my whole perspective changed. Baba had told me many times about Shipra but I could never understand it in past as there had always been gaps. This conversation filled those gaps. All through our conversation my mind was also forming its own conclusions and deductions but none of it mattered at that time. I was happy to see him now staying with Shipra’s family. I felt gratitude and love for Shipra as my extended ‘emotional family’. I felt I understood baba or perhaps I understood some of his decisions.

Its difficult for me to comprehend in words, the significance of the movie ‘khamoshi’, I saw in my childhood. The movie and my state while watching the movie are still fresh in my mind. A movie about human emotions, relationship, love and finally a scientific, rather a psychological experiment. The movie had shakem me deeply somewhere. It was one of the times that I perceived the fragility of human emotional states. I am not sure why I am mentioning this movie at this juncture of my article but it is ‘what is’.

we came back after the talk we were almost late for the breakfast. Hence we hurried for the breakfast and than left for the lecture by Kandaswamy. The lecture was followed by tea break and group discussion. Very few of my group-mates turned up for the discussion and we finished very early. Hence I silently went and sat in shaktiji’s group. They were having an interesting discussion on ‘pain and pleasure’. “Are both same, arising from thoughts or are they different from each other?” a little boy asked. It was interesting to see different people giving their own individual version of Krishnamurthy’s explanation.

When the discussion was over Shaktiji and I went for a walk on the k-trail, on the side o

I told baba, I would be going to market to bring some things for shipra’s daughters and he could tell me if he needed something. After thinking hard for so long baba could manage to come up only with socks. And I decided those as his gift.

 After the lunch I left for the famous ‘Godowlia market’ Varanasi with Masaumi, my new friend. Masaumi is a lovely lady who resembles Masaumi Chatterji, the famous Bengali actress and beauty. She even has the peculiar ‘Masaumi teeth’ which adds to her beauty. I was eager to spend some time with her. More than the actual shopping we did lot of ‘window-shopping’. I could only smile at her power of bargaining. She would repeat the same sentences with all the shopkeepers. I would bump –in any conversation at the end whenever I feared we would loose the thing. The art of bargaining is really interesting and I really marvel at the people who are good at it. We returned in the evening with many baggages and I carefully watched my left hand while returning which was beautified with mehandi i.e henna.
Finally the day ended with a very tasty dinner and a warming silent walk with shaktiji in the campus itself.

The last(fourth) day :

If I get to mention only one thing about my experience at Varanasi, without any doubts I will whole –hearted-ly go for the ‘refreshing morning walks’ with Shaktiji which marked the beginning of all our days.

The orange “bal-suraj” (as Shaktiji mentioned it) looked stunning on the silent waters of Ganga in Varanasi. The Ganga here looked so mature and serene as compared to the roaring adolescent Alakhnanda in Chamoli.

 There were many boatmen passing through the beautiful reflection of early morning sun on the river. I remembered the time when I went to see the sunrise in Kanyakumari. It was like thousands of people had gathered for a magic show. I was so immersed in the crowd itself that I could barely notice the sun rising-up in few minutes. Moreover there was no place in the crowd to peep through. I only kept watching the ocean which was as wonderful as ever.

I wonder sometimes how we are more comfortable in the company of some people, than we are even with ourselves. (Shaktiji being one of them for me.). After the walk we went for breakfast and our last sessions.

The last day began with a symposium with four eminent people. But the real question came from a lady named Aman Gupta. A vibrant young girl, she raised very authentic question as “how to be vulnerable and sensitive in our day to day lives when we are constantly struggling with our day to day existence?” she asked what to do when there is a time slot of 10 minutes for ten patients and one person wants five to 10 minutes more. She also raised many questions as what to do when her boss asks her to call the patients repeatedly for follow-up, though she knows it is not required. Also why cant she figure out her life when others in her family have settled with kids, profession and mortgages.n, 

Hence I decided to go to the gathering with an open mind. But whenever the thought of gathering came to my mind, I used to feel apprehensive about my meeting with shaktiji. I waived off all my thoughts as I was afraid inside. After that message he never enquired whether I was coming for the gathering and neither did I inform him about my plans. I attended my two days medical conferencealready 11.30 pm and I assumed he would be asleep by than( which he really was, as he told me later).

Next morning when I landed on Varanasi junction, I received a message from shaktiji, which sort-of warned me that my meeting with him would not be seen in good light,  but I was sure that I least cared for other’s opinions. When I landed in foundation, I was lucky to meet Krishna di, the coordinator at the gate itself. She guided me through the formalities and told me to hurry for the breakfast as I was already late. I was sitting in the dining-hall, trying to imbibe things around me, when I heard shaktiji’s voice. He was sitting with his back towards me. The joy of the moment was so much that I could not think anything. I cried ‘baba’, hurried and hugged him from behind. He seemed to be surprised and happy. With few formal questions, we did the breakfast together. But I couldn’t understand myself as I was not able to look at him directly. I couldn’t understand what he felt, but I had my breakfast with my gaze ,most of the time at the plate itself.

The first day:

Shaktiji suggested to meet later, as he had some works to attend. I went back to the hostel, got ready and joined the group at the tea-break. I wanted to be as least intrusive as possible to shaktiji. I was very unsure of him. we hadn’t talked for almost three years though we parted two years back. There were many” fill in the blanks” in my mind, which I had filled with my own assumptions. I really really wanted to talk to him. we again met after the group discussion. He introduced me to few people saying” this is dr rimpy shukla. She took care of me in Chennai”. I didn’t quite like the introduction, as I never wanted people to see me in old context. Hence I insisted that he introduce me only with ’rimpy- a friend”, which he did and I was relieved.

The very mention of Chennai made me remember the times when I was really harsh with shaktiji. I couldn’t understand him at that time.He was a mystery to me than and I was probably looking for answers now. He told me he had a duty in study-center from 4.30 to 7.00 in the evening and I wanted to go for boat ride that day. Last time when I had visited Varanasi, shaktiji had taken me for a boat ride, and we had watched the arti at dashashavmegh ghat from the boat. Though I had been very disturbed at that time , but the experience had been very deep for me. We both knew we would not be able to go together, because of his duty, so I decided to go alone. But he was worried and insisted that I should not go alone. Anyhow we bumped into a family of a doctor couple and their son who had the same plan of a boat-ride, but in a motor boat. Shaktiji was relaxed at his replacement. He suggested I should try something different from previous trip and the motor boat trip was ‘different’.

But this whole concept of a motor-boat was weird for me. It spoiled the whole idea of a quiet evening. I thought I would later on make some excuse and get away and hence kept quiet at that time. But later when I saw the same family at evening tea, aunty very sweetly enquired if I was coming along. I couldn’t say no to her and ultimately went for the ‘different’ and special  “motor-boat ride”. I chatted a lot with aunty throughout the brief trip. Though we returned back faster but the whole episode turned out to be just opposite to what I had imagined and wanted it to be. I decided to reserve my ‘desired ride’ for the next time.

In the evening I went to see shaktiji at the study center. He was about to close the study. So we went together for the dinner. I could sense he was tired after the long day. Hence we decided to go for the walk the next morning. He said he would tell me many things, which I was eager to listen. I asked him where he was staying and he said that he usually stayed at shipra’s place but sometimes in the foundation itself. But whenever he was in foundation he visited shipra in the mornings. He said he would inform shipra for the next morning. At that time a doubt sprang in me as what if he changes his plan tomorrow. But I believed him at that time.

The next morning I set the alarm for 5.30 am. But I was so anxious, I got up at 5.00 am itself, got fresh and left my hostel at the decided time for morning tea. Half-way I got a message from shaktiji “good morning rimps. Let us go to Shipra’s home this morning. We can go for a walk tomorrow. Right? Take your time .I am waiting at your hostel.” I turned back from where I was. My intuition was right. But deep down I knew I understood shaktiji. He was too polite to hurt the girl by informing her on phone about his leave. He wanted to inform her in person. Hence I decided to go with the flow. I knew I was a guest for two days. I wanted things to take their own course And I am glad things happened the way, they did.

I had never seen shipra earlier and there was a time when I never wanted to. But things had changed now and so do i. Before coming to Varanasi ,I thought if I visited shipra I would take some gifts for her two little angels. I knew she had two little daughters. But because of my conference in lucknow all my plans changed and moreover I was also not sure of things. Hence that morning when baba changed the plan suddenly, I thought I would visit her again before leaving.

 On our way shaktiji told me only one thing about shipra” her intellect is an obedient servant to her emotions” and I reflected inside” but isn’t it so for most of us”. When we reached shipra’s home, her mother-inlaw opened the door and her elder daughter Sejal was standing besides. When we entered the house I could see shaktiji’s familiarity with the place. We waited in a room and finally shipra came. I would not call that meeting exciting as I perceived her response as very’cold’. I was not sure whether she knew I was coming.  It was a strange moment for me. I doubt if she felt the same. She came and sat on my side. I remembered in past, once someone had mentioned her as ‘pretty’ and I found her so. We had some very formal conversations. I enquired about her health and she asked about my profession. She told me as how arrogant and insensitive her gynaecologist had been, to which I only smiled. But shaktiji jumped in to take the side of that “absent target”. Everything was ok when I heard shaktiji pampering her as” how is mera baccha?” and I could observe pangs of jealousy within myself. I was just observing everything. She had to go to the doctor at 11.30 and shaktiji offered to come along. She said she could manage but shaktiji insisted he would come along. He even offered to come the next day, if the doctor surgically treated her wound. During all these conversations I was just deciding within to go alone for the campus walk the next day. I had started feeling very low. I was feeling I wouldn’t get time to talk to him. I was sort-of relieved when we decided to leave. I went inside to see her four months daughter who is a real angel. That was the time when I even connected with shipra as a mother. I realized whatever we do or become in life our basic emotions and instincts bind us all together. Our parting went on a rather happy note.

I still remember my state while coming back. I don’t know what occupied shaktiji ,but I realized I was adding some new chapters to my life. When I reached hostel I received a call from ashu. I told him that I went to shipra’s place with shaktiji. He asked me how it was. I replied” Ashu I felt as if shreesh has brought a girl in front of me and is telling me,- ma I love this girl and I want to marry her”. Just implies perhaps the change of priorities. Ashu laughed on my answer.

The second day:

The second day sessions started with a lecture by Shri Samdhong Rinpoche , on karma and reincarnation. It was followed by a tea-break and a group discussion.

After lunch, there was a break for 45minutes before the video-lecture of j. krishnamurthi. I took my bag and went to the river –view place. I lied down on the bench for a long time and read a book of jk which was incidentally presented to me by shaktiji on 7^th jan 2009i.e on my birthday. Deep down I am always thankful to shaktiji for introducing me to krishnamurthi,s teachings. He is a great teacher in the sense that he waits till the student gets ready to learn. My solitude with nature was broken by a gentleman who was a retired principle. He told me I resembled his daughter very much. We had an interesting chat after which we went for the video-lecture.

I was aware shaktiji had replaced someone for his duty at video-lecture as he had to go to the doctor with shipra. But when the lecture ended I saw him sitting at front. He must have returned earlier. I wanted to go to him but I stopped myself. I deliberately left the place without talking to him. I thought why should I bother so much. The last day we had talked about vulnerability and I know its really hard to practice it in our daily lives. I wanted to go for the K-trail walk in the evening. But I got caught in talks with few people. Moreover it was getting dark and I was afraid to go alone. Finally I bought some books and went back to the room. We had a classical dance performance scheduled in the evening. While coming back from the hostel, I knew shaktiji would be in study center. I decided to keep aside my ego and ask about shipra’s health. I thought maybe if things were same as in morning, I would go back to attend the dance program or else go for a walk. And if get lucky, may be spend some time with him.

When I reached study center he was busy